Shackled to Lust?
Out of the many reasons that people seek out a psychologist, it is often because they find themselves at odds with their own behaviour. We live in a society where our relationship with our own desires is changing: where masturbation is considered a healthy aspect of sexual development; homosexuality is no longer considered a perversion or disorder; and there is open public discourse on sex. We are living in a society where lust is becoming less understood as one of the seven deadly sins of man and more as a celebrated human experience. However, it is possible that ‘lust’, if gone completely un-checked, can cause us to be at odds with ourselves. As the contemporary philosopher Simon Blackburn writes, “Living with lust is like living shackled to a lunatic”. This ‘lunatic’ is often named “Sex Addiction”. Although there is much debate about the appropriateness of associating sex (a normal part of human behaviour) with “addiction” (a destructive affliction), the term can be a very helpful metaphor when dealing with sexual behaviour that we have very little control over.
Sex Addiction is a rather sticky problem that slowly creeps up on you, keeping itself secret in your life - out of shame and denial refusing to be addressed. Although it is by no means a strictly male problem, the popular understanding that “men are just like this” is a convenient excuse for the problem not to be addressed. The internet is its ideal breading ground, allowing the sexual behaviour to live hidden and separate from the rest of your life. With a double-click you have access to an abundance of explicit pictures, videos, and chat lines. Much like a lunatic, it has little control over itself and even less insight into the consequences of what it is doing to you. It can take the form of compulsive masturbation, paying for sex, continual affairs or an unusual preoccupation with sexual pleasure. Despite its destructive nature, most people only seek help after they have been caught out.
Sex can definitely be a mood altering experience and medical researchers suspect that we have neurological pleasure pathways that provide for this expereince. Sex addiction might therefore feed on a neurological “fix” and over time these pathways develop an increased sensitivity to experiences that promise this “fix”. The need for this fix can get so strong that you will put your work, family or self respect at jeopardy in order to get it. Ironically, the outcome is normally not as pleasurable as you would have liked, leading to the need for more. However, to think of the problem as simply “looking for pleasure” is a limited view – the “fix” varies for each person, but could be allowing for escape, fantasy, relaxation or stimulation. In the end, it only tends to make you feel shame, guilt and disappointment with yourself.
It is more than a good sexual appetite when:
· It is uncontrollable and interferes with your daily life.
· Gets worse over time, becoming habitual, even though less pleasurable.
· Is hidden and separate from the rest of your life, promising to go away “tomorrow”.
Steps to dealing with it:
· Acknowledge the hold it has over you
· “Map out” how it started, what it does for you and what makes it worse.
· Realise that it is not separate from the rest of your life.
· Consider the person that it is forcing you to be, i.e. deceitful.
· Consider serious measures to avoid opportunities to get your “fix”, i.e. net-nanny, disclosing the addiction, periods of celibacy.
· Try and see the problem through your partner’s eyes.
Although disclosing the addiction to your partner is risky:
· It might help explain behaviour that he/she is already concerned about.
· Disclosure might be an opportunity to address related problems in the relationship, i.e. a lack of intimacy or unusual pressure to be intimate.
· You need support in dealing with the hold that the addiction has over you.