Sexual Curiosity in Playschool Children
Between the ages of about 2 and 6 children will begin to learn about their bodies. Most start to learn that they have “private parts” and will explore these parts. The knowledge of these parts as “private” is important for their own protection. However, it is quite common for children under the age of about 5 or 6 to very innocently treat these parts as not so private. It is also common for them to share these “secret” parts through play with friends of a similar age. They are entering into a world where boys and girls are now different and they are beginning to experiment with how this world works. This play is usually out of curiosity and involves an acknowledgment of sexual differences. They will sometimes even act out displays of “affection” that they have seen from parents or on TV. Children might even learn that touching or rubbing the genitals brings comfort. This behaviour is normally very innocent and a healthy part of a child’s development. We often make the mistake of interpreting this curiosity in adult ways. Children’s intentions and experiences of these events are not the same as they would be between adults.
It is important for parents to respond to child’s curiosity about their bodies. Play between children of a “sexual” nature is an indication that this curiosity exists. Even though some parents might deliberately introduce their children to a story about sex, pregnancy and birth, you also teach your children in non-deliberate ways about sex. For example, how you act and speak about your own nudity are ways that children learn about how these “private things” work. The way we respond to finding out that children have a sexual curiosity plays a large role in introducing them to a story about sex and their own bodies.
In general, parents and teachers should avoid reacting:
In shocked and distressed ways
In ways that will lead the child to feel shame or disgust about their own bodies and behaviour
In ways that would be considered as punishment for the behaviour
In ways that create for them a sense that the world is a dangerous place
These events are a perfect opportunity to help satisfy your child’s curiosity and introduce them to your own preferred story about sex. Normally a child would be discouraged in a gentle and non-punishing way from public explorations of their own bodies and those of others. However, private curiosity about their own bodies should not necessarily be discouraged altogether.
Sexual behaviour in children is cause for concern when:
There is a significant age gap between children
The play displays knowledge of an unusually adult nature
The behaviour is associated with significant distress or anger
The behaviour is with people unfamiliar to the child
The behaviour is persistent even when discouraged
We live in a society where sexual information is becoming more and more available to children of a younger age. It is better to introduce your child to your preferred story about sex rather than make them vulnerable to other influences that are less within your control. This makes it important to develop an open relationship with your children in ways that do not completely compromise their innocence. Just because sex is a dangerous topic in today’s world does not mean that children can’t feel positive about their own feelings, curiosity and bodies.
I have done some mediation with playschools where children’s sexual curiosity has created considerable discomfort. Although each parent and teacher involved tends to respond quite differently, I have noticed that teachers often experience the event as a failure on their part. Parents might even contribute to this by putting the management of the school into question. These are valuable opportunities for the parents to become involved in the schools policies, such as: the monitoring of children’s play, rules on displays of affection at school or the age gaps of children who can play together. Many parents have never imagined their children as having a curiosity in sex or being exposed to things of a sexual nature at such a young age – often responding with fear, anger or shock.
Ultimately, it is widely understood that:
- Children do need some boundaries.
- We want to protect our children from any physical and emotional harm.
- Sexual play should not go unnoticed and can be cause for concern in some instances.
- However, it is most often the response from parents and teachers that is most traumatic for the children and not the play itself.
WE NEED TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN FROM HARM AND SEXUAL CURIOSITY SHOULD NOT GO UN-GUIDED. BUT IN THE PROCESS WE STILL NEED TO PRESERVE A HEALTHY ATTITUDE TOWARDS OPEN DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION AND THE EXPEREINCE OF THEIR OWN BODIES.